My family and I were recently offered an opportunity that would take us across states. We haven’t yet worked out the details nor have we made any decisions…I am finding that these things take exactly as long as two steps passed your comfort zone and then one step more. This decision for me has been more than just a decision about moving out of state. It’s been about what we’re leaving behind. Several people have touted the promise of a fresh start, the fulfillment of a lifelong dream, and a chance to drive change. And it is all of those things. But the thought of what we may leave behind feels like we’re forsaking some kind of relic of our survival, a commemoration of who we were and who we have become coming out of a harrowing season. What was rebuilt after a season of being completely torn down holds the story of a family who held on tightly to one another and feebly but bravely took uncertain steps down an unfamiliar, lonely path…

After some time, my husband found another job with humble beginnings and now sits at the table with the influencing body of his company. He is cared for and respected. My boys worked hard to build new communities and new skills at their school and on their sports teams. They are proud and feel like they belong.

I…well, I monitored that everyone was doing better.

I haven’t done much intentional rebuilding. I have mostly remained who/where I was while trying to hold down the fort. The thing about rebuilding is that you kinda have to have an idea of what you want to be, a sense of where you’re going. On a whim, I applied to my doctoral program and aimlessly made an attempt at rebuilding myself. It should be noted that, for me, a “whim” means only 80% intention vs. 106% intention. I don’t want to appear like I was lacking in conviction…I honestly just lost my bearings and grasped at something that seemed vaguely familiar – studying. That’s what I do when I’m unsteady and uncertain – I collect information. I applied, got accepted, and am now constantly surprised by what is being repaired internally as I do this work and as I receive the love and support of my cohort and professors. And as a result of being a part of this program, this opportunity became available to me. It feels like this is THE ROAD to rebuilding myself and yet it continues to be the hardest decision of my life. Have you heard of the almighty power of “mom guilt”? It wreaks havoc on all things self-fulfilling and serves cookies afterwards. At the risk of sounding dramatic (#truestory), this feels like a life or death decision for my soul. And so why is it *still* a difficult decision? “Hey family, I need to rebuild my life but it entails disrupting what you have built. We good?” When is disruption of a good thing a good thing? This question is one of those questions where you think you know the answer but no one really does because it always d e p e n d s ….It depends.

Now, we can float around that space forever, and it’s summer break for me so I will likely float some more after I hit “Publish”. (Clearly, I have no idea what the conventions are around *summer vacation*.) So let’s drop an anchor and bring this back to speech language pathology and life. Well, behind every Chipper Chat and cookie-crumbed lab coat, is a professional who holds a seed. All seeds disrupt their surroundings to some degree by rooting and emerging from the places that hold them. My dear SLP friend was recently quoted on IG as saying, “They want disruptors,” in the field of speech language pathology, meaning, SLPs can bring about CHANGE. I think that I have always thought of change in the field as large, sweeping change in the form of policy or infrastructure reform. But I think all it takes is a seed or a small bunch of seeds disrupting the areas where they are held. Being an SLP, a mom, a wife sometimes syncs together along a smooth path. Other times it does not. And I don’t think that choosing the path of least disruption is always right for me. Our lives and work will overlap or even collide, but seeds will be seeds and will sprout given the space and the right conditions. New life wants to live with intention.

Perhaps this opportunity is a seed. Perhaps new life and rebuilding are waiting in this other state. So what does this mean for my family and me? Or even for you and your life? I have no idea. But I think that fear of disruption is not a reason to shy away, especially without giving any thought of what can beautifully flower in that place.