One of my boys has a tic. It comes and goes. We don’t know where it comes from, how it arrives, when it leaves, what makes it go into overdrive. All I know is that it is pushing every one of my mom-who-works-with-children insecurity buttons. His tic has evolved a bit…when he was younger it was this tongue thing, then it was this puffing out his cheeks thing, now it’s a combination of clearing throat and then gasping in thing. Previously, I had always been able to track it and address it because his life was relatively simple – stress about daycare or stress about home. “Someone said that you scribble? I’m sorry they said that to you. I love the way you color. It’s just right for you and me.” But now, his internal world has grown and has become more complex. I don’t know why his tic has come back this time (other than, um, a global pandemic maybe??), and there is no way to track it. That kills me!!

So I did what every loving, compassionate, controlling, Type A mother would do. I interviewed him. Or maybe I interrogated him. “Are you stressed, buddy? Is it virtual school? Is it hockey? Is it mommy? Is it daddy? Is it your brother? What is it? You can tell me anything. You know that right? You can tell me anything.”

Clears throat, gasps, and says plainly, “I’m ok.”

I deflated. If you had been here, you would have been able to hear the air leak out of me. What was I missing? A million thoughts were swirling in my head, “Omg. It’s because I work. He needs me. He’s still little. Or maybe because I yelled at him last week when he was fooling around at hockey practice that I can’t watch. Did I hug him enough yesterday? Did I spend more time with his brother than him? Is it because I keep asking him? If I ignore it will he think I’m not paying attention? Does he need more attention?” etc. etc.

A friend of mine who is a counselor suggested that I ignore the tic and just be available to listen. This sounded wise and because I respect her opinion, I decided to take her advice. We’ve been ignoring the tic. But you know what happens in the silence, right? In the waiting? You controllers out there….You know what I’m talking about, right? Waiting for someone to come to you for something without your influencing the rate at which they do that is TORTURE. It feels so inefficient.

Efficiency has been an ongoing struggle in my life as I have been learning that efficiency kills relationship.

Those of us who work in therapy – any kind, really – are always thinking about theoretical effectiveness and efficiency. But where do we find the balance between or the right ratio of theory and humanity? It’s crucial that we find a balance or at least a better ratio. I certainly don’t have all the answers surrounding this, nor do I have the how-to manual for getting any of this right, but I think I’ll try to lean into humanity. Especially during these days of Covid and with all the chaos and loss all around us. “How are you? How are you really?” And then take the time to listen. Listening speaks such volumes of care and love, but it does take time. It’s not exactly efficient. But I’m committing for right now, and I suspect for longer, to strive to be inefficiently human.